How religious Jews, and especially Modern Orthodox Jews, date is markedly interesting. This does not concern arranged marriages as the process is similar among different cultures and religions. I am not familiar with statistics on hookup culture among Modern Orthodox Jews, but presumably the numbers are very low.
Here's how it goes for secular (American) society:
Empowered women leave relationships for marriage till later, engaging in hookups instead. This does tend to lead to more rape:
"In a 2007 survey funded by the Justice Department of 6,800 undergraduates at two big public universities, nearly 14 percent of women said they had been victims of at least one completed sexual assault at college; more than half of the victims said they were incapacitated from drugs or alcohol at the time."
Communication takes place via texts. Chivalry is dying, smothered by egotistical concerns for the self, one's career, monetary issues of the fading middle-class, and a lack of manners. See this, but also see the comment, with 3400 Facebook likes, from a woman:
dude. Dude. DUDE! This is not a personal judgment, but this article comes off tonally as sexist and whiny. Do you have female friends? Did you discuss this with them? Because they could tell you that they have different desires and personalities and don't all behave in the same way because they happen to be female.
Chivalry is dead? GOOD. Stop treating women like delicate flowers who fart rainbows and aren't as interested in sex as men are, and start treating them like people.
Head check, dude: women don't DESERVE anything except the respect that you would show an equal. Men paying for dinners was standard common procedure in a time where women were expected to be homemakers, not breadwinners. Dude, everyone wants sex. We're human, and there's nothing wrong with that. We also want intimacy and connection, but sometimes, we don't want a relationship. This is HUMAN, not male or female behavior.
Maybe your friends are dicks, but please don't extrapolate their behavior to make broad sweeping generalizations about cultural behavior as if everyone is participating in it; it's just sloppy writing.
(We'll leave my response to that for another time; suffice it to say it will be something like "So why is sex still so taboo?")
Once women achieve their professional goals and are ready to settle down for marriage, they are rudely awakened with the discovery that it's a buyer's market for men in that age:
"''The women I know in their early 30s are just delusional,'' he says. ''I sometimes seduce them and sleep with them just because I know how to play them so well. It's just too easy. They're tired of the cock carousel and they see a guy like me as the perfect beta to settle down with before their eggs dry out … when I get tired of them I just delete their numbers from my cell phone and stop taking their calls … It doesn't really hurt them that much: at this point they're used to pump & dump!''
Men in their 40s are left out of the fun. Women also discover that for men used to hooking up, in an extremely mobile culture, it's pretty easy if the going gets tough to just pull up their roots and disappear, or divorce for that matter. It's a complicated situation, with many opinions, from "The War on Men" and fringe fathers' rights movements, to those of feminists (sorry for missing link proof).
Two decades ago, Allan Bloom had this to say about the matter in his seminal book "The Closing of the American Mind":
Now for Modern Orthodox Jewish dating:
These Jews are surrounded by the pressure of modern society, and are yet apart from it in ways that those on opposite sides of the spectrum do not understand. Many times people abandon everything, or become much more religious, unable to straddle both worlds while remaining rationally and logically stable. They see their secular and non-Jewish friends in college hooking up but know that the pressure of family and religious friends keeps them from doing same. Sometimes they do it anyway, in secret, again building up the hypocrisy. Small wonder then that on every blog and newspaper articles are published of the death of Modern Orthodoxy in a depraved world in which it is easier than ever to keep all the strict laws of kashrut and Shabbat observance.
For these Jews, hookup culture does not exist or is minimal. Careers are what is important, with the understanding that matrimony may eventually come first, especially if a big family is in the works.
During college dating takes place through friends, chance encounters, etc. (An important disclaimer: I went to a college that is not filled with religious Jews as, for example, Yeshiva University, Touro, or some of the CUNY schools would be, so I don't know what it is like to date Jews while in college.)
After college, bereft of the bar-hopping dating scene, women and men may turn to online dating, or Shiduch dating, where professional matchmakers set people up. This network is spread out, often relying on email chains and primitive BBS-type websites solely for the distribution of 'resumes', profile information about a potential mate's family, parents, education, and profession. Sometimes there is a personal blurb, but otherwise very little on which to base a decision to call and devote some time to the person. Relationships come first, then love (or so it is hoped).
The process begins with a woman's profile being shown to a man. If he agrees, the profile is shown to a woman, who must agree to see him for the process to continue. It is formalized and devoid of spontaneity.
Marriages are mostly in the early 20s, at which point both parents continue to work or the woman drops out to take care of her kids, a job helped by the extremely common female professions of physical or occupational therapies, and the man continues as the breadwinner. Divorce rates are low.
And yet, there is little grounding for these men and women in what it means to love and how a relationship is built. They lack any experience in how to talk to men or women with the eventual goal of marrying them or how to hold a person's interest. Maybe they just give up
So I say to you, which method is better?
Here's how it goes for secular (American) society:
Empowered women leave relationships for marriage till later, engaging in hookups instead. This does tend to lead to more rape:
"In a 2007 survey funded by the Justice Department of 6,800 undergraduates at two big public universities, nearly 14 percent of women said they had been victims of at least one completed sexual assault at college; more than half of the victims said they were incapacitated from drugs or alcohol at the time."
Communication takes place via texts. Chivalry is dying, smothered by egotistical concerns for the self, one's career, monetary issues of the fading middle-class, and a lack of manners. See this, but also see the comment, with 3400 Facebook likes, from a woman:
dude. Dude. DUDE! This is not a personal judgment, but this article comes off tonally as sexist and whiny. Do you have female friends? Did you discuss this with them? Because they could tell you that they have different desires and personalities and don't all behave in the same way because they happen to be female.
Chivalry is dead? GOOD. Stop treating women like delicate flowers who fart rainbows and aren't as interested in sex as men are, and start treating them like people.
Head check, dude: women don't DESERVE anything except the respect that you would show an equal. Men paying for dinners was standard common procedure in a time where women were expected to be homemakers, not breadwinners. Dude, everyone wants sex. We're human, and there's nothing wrong with that. We also want intimacy and connection, but sometimes, we don't want a relationship. This is HUMAN, not male or female behavior.
Maybe your friends are dicks, but please don't extrapolate their behavior to make broad sweeping generalizations about cultural behavior as if everyone is participating in it; it's just sloppy writing.
(We'll leave my response to that for another time; suffice it to say it will be something like "So why is sex still so taboo?")
Once women achieve their professional goals and are ready to settle down for marriage, they are rudely awakened with the discovery that it's a buyer's market for men in that age:
"''The women I know in their early 30s are just delusional,'' he says. ''I sometimes seduce them and sleep with them just because I know how to play them so well. It's just too easy. They're tired of the cock carousel and they see a guy like me as the perfect beta to settle down with before their eggs dry out … when I get tired of them I just delete their numbers from my cell phone and stop taking their calls … It doesn't really hurt them that much: at this point they're used to pump & dump!''
Men in their 40s are left out of the fun. Women also discover that for men used to hooking up, in an extremely mobile culture, it's pretty easy if the going gets tough to just pull up their roots and disappear, or divorce for that matter. It's a complicated situation, with many opinions, from "The War on Men" and fringe fathers' rights movements, to those of feminists (sorry for missing link proof).
Two decades ago, Allan Bloom had this to say about the matter in his seminal book "The Closing of the American Mind":
"The feminist response that justice requires equal sharing of all domestic responsibility by men and women is not a solution, but only a compromise, an attenuation of men's dedication to their careers and of women's to family, with arguably an enrichment in diversity of both parties but just as arguably a fragmentation of their lives. The question of who goes with whom in the case of jobs in different cities is unresolved and is, whatever may be said about it, a festering sore, a source of suspicion and resentment, and the potential for war. Moreover, this compromise does not decide anything about the care of the children. Are both parents going to care more about their careers than about the children? Previously children at least had the unqualified dedication of one person, the woman, for whom their care was the most important thing in life. Is half the attention of two the same as the whole attention of one? Is this not a formula for neglecting children? Under such arrangements the family is not a unity, and marriage is an unattractive struggle that is easy to get out of, especially for men."
Now for Modern Orthodox Jewish dating:
These Jews are surrounded by the pressure of modern society, and are yet apart from it in ways that those on opposite sides of the spectrum do not understand. Many times people abandon everything, or become much more religious, unable to straddle both worlds while remaining rationally and logically stable. They see their secular and non-Jewish friends in college hooking up but know that the pressure of family and religious friends keeps them from doing same. Sometimes they do it anyway, in secret, again building up the hypocrisy. Small wonder then that on every blog and newspaper articles are published of the death of Modern Orthodoxy in a depraved world in which it is easier than ever to keep all the strict laws of kashrut and Shabbat observance.
For these Jews, hookup culture does not exist or is minimal. Careers are what is important, with the understanding that matrimony may eventually come first, especially if a big family is in the works.
During college dating takes place through friends, chance encounters, etc. (An important disclaimer: I went to a college that is not filled with religious Jews as, for example, Yeshiva University, Touro, or some of the CUNY schools would be, so I don't know what it is like to date Jews while in college.)
After college, bereft of the bar-hopping dating scene, women and men may turn to online dating, or Shiduch dating, where professional matchmakers set people up. This network is spread out, often relying on email chains and primitive BBS-type websites solely for the distribution of 'resumes', profile information about a potential mate's family, parents, education, and profession. Sometimes there is a personal blurb, but otherwise very little on which to base a decision to call and devote some time to the person. Relationships come first, then love (or so it is hoped).
The process begins with a woman's profile being shown to a man. If he agrees, the profile is shown to a woman, who must agree to see him for the process to continue. It is formalized and devoid of spontaneity.
Marriages are mostly in the early 20s, at which point both parents continue to work or the woman drops out to take care of her kids, a job helped by the extremely common female professions of physical or occupational therapies, and the man continues as the breadwinner. Divorce rates are low.
And yet, there is little grounding for these men and women in what it means to love and how a relationship is built. They lack any experience in how to talk to men or women with the eventual goal of marrying them or how to hold a person's interest. Maybe they just give up
So I say to you, which method is better?
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