1. How are you supposed to have sex for reproductive purposes only, according to Halakha, and yet also bring the most pleasure to your wife, using toys as well as your own skills? How do we properly compromise between creating children in the right and holy manner and satisfying our/our spouses urges? If you believe in not having a gigantic family, under what circumstances is it permitted to use your own choice with regard to contraception (not talking about customs or asking the Rabbi)?
Most answers I've ever seen are very strict one way or the other, nor can you find a good book that lays out the strict halachic positions, then goes on to discuss what you will violate with modifications of the standard rules (violate, guilt trip, then move on). Maurice Lamm never answers the question directly. The answer isn't in the Eight Questions either. Contraception, used by many if not most, is not discussed openly, because it's forbidden. Presumably no one wants to mention that Leviticus 18 and 20 technically do not exclude women, i.e. lesbian relationships (let's leave out what the New Testament and Catholics say). People also do not know about the permission granted by the Talmudic sages to newly-wed couples to engage in anal sex (found in Nedarim). Also this link has more information.
2. Are donations by Jews to sperm banks permitted given that the seed is not wasted? If only one out of millions of sperm cells makes it into the ovum anyway, on the rare case when a woman is perfectly fertile, then what are you wasting with masturbation in the first place?
3. Is bread baked by a non-Jew acceptable?
This one is thorny and every compendium of ideas and opinions about it is different. There are enough opinions to say that non-Jewish bread is fine, except that no book ever says it out-and-out. Recently I found that in Yoreh Deah 112, where bread is discussed, that if the higher quality bread is the one that is not baked by Jews, it is preferable to lower-quality, kosher bread. This means that given the ingredient list put on the plastic wrappers of fresh-baked bread, such as at Whole Foods, such bread must be perfectly fine to eat (provided it has not been glazed with egg). In fact it would be better than the usual stuff made at most kosher bakeries, with no salt, lots of egg, and always white wheat.
4. Why do so many Jews prefer to say blanket NO to questions, rather than discover loopholes and permissions?
When I ask a question such as "If you wanted to go to a bar with friends on Friday night, how would you go about it?" the answer must not only be "no, you simply can't"; rather, it should also include reasons to allow it. Frequently rabbis of today's generation can not think outside a paradigm, or are afraid of something. (And they wonder why youthful Jews abandon religion so fast.)
Let's try to break the above down, as I have in fact done so on at least two occasions. The typical reason for saying no is that it is not in the spirit of Shabbat, which is completely valid. But you still want to go, so what to do?
Preparing for Friday night - Accept Shabbat early. Pray before. Have a Shabbat meal as dinner substitute (invite your friend and bring mevushal wine) or after the bar hopping.
Getting there - No way around it, you have to walk. In the past I have walked a round trip of over six miles on a Friday night to attend a concert. Make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes, and drink up before going, as there will likely be no eruv and so you can't carry water.
IDs - putting them in a plastic bag attached to your belt, is not actually permitted. Another, permitted method is to loop a string around your waist, and attach the id directly. I think that technically wearing a lanyard with an attached ID around your waist would be fine.
Drinks - Give someone familiar money beforehand, or arrange it later. Best to discuss this before you go for your long walk. To ask for a drink at the bar, say "it would be nice if such-and-such could be had", to be completely halachically acceptable. I think it is irrelevant that a waiter or your friend is nearby. Upon receiving the drink, if in a building no worries, otherwise stand while drinking it, or walk no more than four amot at a time, as this is a suitable emergency. (One especially kind person asked for more drinks on my behalf, as he had been exposed to Jewish quirks before. He got a bottle of 15-year scotch as a thank you, a few days later.)
Do you see any religious teacher giving you that kind of advice? I don't think so.
5. If you go to the house of a friend (who was brought up Modern Orthodox) for dinner and drinks before a singles event, and discover that the Caesar dressing being used on the salad is not kosher, as is the cheese being sprinkled on the lasagna, do you simply not eat anything and assume everything is not kosher, or do you eat anyway? If you decide to go down the rabbit hole of checking other people's kashrut, where does it stop? If you don't decide to go that way, where do you draw a line?
Most answers I've ever seen are very strict one way or the other, nor can you find a good book that lays out the strict halachic positions, then goes on to discuss what you will violate with modifications of the standard rules (violate, guilt trip, then move on). Maurice Lamm never answers the question directly. The answer isn't in the Eight Questions either. Contraception, used by many if not most, is not discussed openly, because it's forbidden. Presumably no one wants to mention that Leviticus 18 and 20 technically do not exclude women, i.e. lesbian relationships (let's leave out what the New Testament and Catholics say). People also do not know about the permission granted by the Talmudic sages to newly-wed couples to engage in anal sex (found in Nedarim). Also this link has more information.
2. Are donations by Jews to sperm banks permitted given that the seed is not wasted? If only one out of millions of sperm cells makes it into the ovum anyway, on the rare case when a woman is perfectly fertile, then what are you wasting with masturbation in the first place?
3. Is bread baked by a non-Jew acceptable?
This one is thorny and every compendium of ideas and opinions about it is different. There are enough opinions to say that non-Jewish bread is fine, except that no book ever says it out-and-out. Recently I found that in Yoreh Deah 112, where bread is discussed, that if the higher quality bread is the one that is not baked by Jews, it is preferable to lower-quality, kosher bread. This means that given the ingredient list put on the plastic wrappers of fresh-baked bread, such as at Whole Foods, such bread must be perfectly fine to eat (provided it has not been glazed with egg). In fact it would be better than the usual stuff made at most kosher bakeries, with no salt, lots of egg, and always white wheat.
4. Why do so many Jews prefer to say blanket NO to questions, rather than discover loopholes and permissions?
When I ask a question such as "If you wanted to go to a bar with friends on Friday night, how would you go about it?" the answer must not only be "no, you simply can't"; rather, it should also include reasons to allow it. Frequently rabbis of today's generation can not think outside a paradigm, or are afraid of something. (And they wonder why youthful Jews abandon religion so fast.)
Let's try to break the above down, as I have in fact done so on at least two occasions. The typical reason for saying no is that it is not in the spirit of Shabbat, which is completely valid. But you still want to go, so what to do?
Preparing for Friday night - Accept Shabbat early. Pray before. Have a Shabbat meal as dinner substitute (invite your friend and bring mevushal wine) or after the bar hopping.
Getting there - No way around it, you have to walk. In the past I have walked a round trip of over six miles on a Friday night to attend a concert. Make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes, and drink up before going, as there will likely be no eruv and so you can't carry water.
IDs - putting them in a plastic bag attached to your belt, is not actually permitted. Another, permitted method is to loop a string around your waist, and attach the id directly. I think that technically wearing a lanyard with an attached ID around your waist would be fine.
Drinks - Give someone familiar money beforehand, or arrange it later. Best to discuss this before you go for your long walk. To ask for a drink at the bar, say "it would be nice if such-and-such could be had", to be completely halachically acceptable. I think it is irrelevant that a waiter or your friend is nearby. Upon receiving the drink, if in a building no worries, otherwise stand while drinking it, or walk no more than four amot at a time, as this is a suitable emergency. (One especially kind person asked for more drinks on my behalf, as he had been exposed to Jewish quirks before. He got a bottle of 15-year scotch as a thank you, a few days later.)
Do you see any religious teacher giving you that kind of advice? I don't think so.
5. If you go to the house of a friend (who was brought up Modern Orthodox) for dinner and drinks before a singles event, and discover that the Caesar dressing being used on the salad is not kosher, as is the cheese being sprinkled on the lasagna, do you simply not eat anything and assume everything is not kosher, or do you eat anyway? If you decide to go down the rabbit hole of checking other people's kashrut, where does it stop? If you don't decide to go that way, where do you draw a line?
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