In response to a cancellation of Shavuot hosting plans with a friend. All sorts of possible responses:
Wow that really ruined my day. If not my week.
Definition of scale back: to reduce or make a reduction in the level of activity, extent, numbers, etc.
There's nothing you can say that will make me feel better. I recognize it's a pattern of behavior for you, one that would be painful for you to admit to. But just because I don't ever say mean things, doesn't mean I don't notice how you behave.
I want to stay friends, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.
You went from "stay in a hotel so I'm not spending yom tov alone" to "I'm too stressed out, spending a third Shabbat in a row with my parents even though I'm already paying for an apartment". If you have separation anxiety, I can help support you.
I genuinely want to help you, because that's what I do for people I trust. And then get burned when they don't see that. That's life. But I forgive, because anger is temporary and friendship is oh so much more important. It's just, I want to feel like there's some reciprocation.
On one hand you counseled me to move all at once, on the other, you haven't managed to commit to completing your move for a few weeks now.
Your apartment looked fine to me.
Every few weeks work becomes very busy. Almost conveniently every two weeks.
I timed the planting in the best part of my garden bed so you would start gardening and have prime space just in time for radishes to be harvested. But you pushed the start of your learning to garden. From mid-April, to start of May, to end of May. I keep leaving space in my garden bed thinking that you will start planting but you keep pushing it forward. Gardening doesn't work that way, you can't cancel a week before like that.
I want to welcome you to gardening the right way, but you never have time.
I know you're free around noon, and not busy every Sunday. You could probably see the garden. It's just a quick show-around in the open air. Which means it's not a priority? Or is it?
There's committing, and then there's, whatever you like to do. I'm trying to do nice things for a friend but get very little reciprocation.
When I offer to do things together, you decline. But when you offer, I accept.
I booked a hotel, now I have to cancel it.
We planned a whole menu, now you're cancelling it.
How much more does your apartment need?
At some point you have to make the leap and spend Shabbat alone. It's called growing up. I'm happy to support you by staying in a hotel nearby, every Shabbos, and accompanying you to shul and back.
Things never calm down. There's always something happening. If that's how you prefer it, then tell me. Don't make me wait and hope and change my schedule to accommodate you, time after time. Tell me in advance if you think work will get busy. Try to forecast it.
Oh and while we're on the subject, I seriously overcommitted to learning Megillah reading for you on Purim. I spent hours every day for a month to learn the best trop, combination of two or even three sources, and then practiced and practiced till I could read the whole Megillah in one go, change the tune according to ancient customs in all the right places, and read with understanding, and do a good job. And then almost the day before you decided that it wasn't good enough and instead you would prefer to listen to someone read from a kosher Megillah. So we got to sit through a reading in a dimly lit backyard by someone who, with good intent, made a complete mockery of the Megillah reading, and by extension, of Purim. It was easily the worst (and fastest) reading I've ever had the displeasure of hearing, read by someone who doubtless believes that Purim is just a pointless holiday to get through, and skips all the joy and feeling of an amazing book. But we all bobbed our heads and thanked the reader because we're polite. But if that's the version of Judaism you prefer then you can keep it. That's the sort of thing I skip synagogues for. You even dragged your dad out to get him to listen to the Megillah. It felt so performative and I wondered if you even realized that. Oh and you didn't actually ask me to do this in the first place. You "hoped that Jonas or I would volunteer", out of the goodness of our hearts. So what's more important, being a good friend, following through on your commitments, or trying to build in your Jewish observance? You who decry the halachic stringencies of typical Orthodox rabbis and then turn around and use them to your advantage when the opportunity presents itself.
And then you thanked me for coming out and joining you to chat in your backyard, when there were two separate Purim events I could have gone to that were a whole lot more fun, where people even asked me where I was. And I rationalized by thinking we could get closer, that's what friends do. But I don't know how you really see me, or how you expect to keep friends, if that's what you do.
Or how about this, when in response to me asking you to come over for Shabbos dinner, you say you won't because it will require you to drive and you're trying not to, which is perfectly understandable. Except if there are Jewston events, then you might drive. This feels like you're giving an excuse but not even bothering to pretend that you don't want to see me. And yet you wanted me to help you with a menu, accepted my offer to cook, and study with you on Shavuot night, and stay in a hotel nearby? And even move in to the same complex? This isn't wishy-washy, it's called not really caring about a friend.
If your schedule freed up, I can help you de-stress by inviting you over to the museum. But somehow I think this will cause you more stress.
If your schedule freed up since you're not hosting on Shavuot, maybe you want to go visit the community garden? But somehow I think this will cause more stress. Or you'll find a reason not to go.
Did the pandemic really make you that scared to do things on your own?
I thought you were an independent mature woman. Now I see you're a lot more childish than I thought.
That hurts, and you should know that.
It shouldn't have, but you just me caused a lot of mental stress and emotions.
If you were really sorry, you would make an effort to stop being so wishy-washy. I don't see that happening. It's just a constant pattern of behavior with you.
There's a million things I could say, but I won't, because I care about your feelings, your stress levels, and I don't want you to feel more embarassed. But it feels like you don't extend me the same courtesy. It's called being polite, maybe considering how it would feel to be on the opposite end. I'm not just a useful idiot, I have feelings too.
I could say things like - I want to support you in moving out alone. Don't host a ton for Shavuot. I'll be there for you. Have a small meal. Learn with me and Jonas. But instead you cancelled entirely and fled to the safety of home. You're 26. Grow up.
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