I like to think everyone had some music that got them through the early stages of the Covid19 pandemic.
Mine was a set this musician named Kora had played for Burning Man 2018:
https://soundcloud.com/kora-musique/kora-burning-man-2018-sunrise-set-on-maxa-xaman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLLsF0xCt3c
I walked for hours to this, worked to this, worked out to this. The rhythms kept me going. And now it reminds me of a uniquely unnerving time of my life.
At some point, the machine for which I set up command-line access for Private Internet Access started giving me more and more troubles with PIA. The VPN connections build into GNOME would give a "client update needed" message next to each possible VPN connection, and no amount of re-installation or removal then new installation of the software would help. It turned out that PIA is pushing users to use their GUI, or so it would seem based on how hard it was to get OpenVPN (and also, OpenVPN3 sucks) to work. But in the end, removing PIA entirely, upgrading from Ubuntu 16.04.7 to 18.04 (because LTS support expired at the end of April 2021), and installing PIA with the GUI, worked.
In response to a cancellation of Shavuot hosting plans with a friend. All sorts of possible responses:
Wow that really ruined my day. If not my week.
Definition of scale back: to reduce or make a reduction in the level of activity, extent, numbers, etc.
There's nothing you can say that will make me feel better. I recognize it's a pattern of behavior for you, one that would be painful for you to admit to. But just because I don't ever say mean things, doesn't mean I don't notice how you behave.
I want to stay friends, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.
You went from "stay in a hotel so I'm not spending yom tov alone" to "I'm too stressed out, spending a third Shabbat in a row with my parents even though I'm already paying for an apartment". If you have separation anxiety, I can help support you.
I genuinely want to help you, because that's what I do for people I trust. And then get burned when they don't see that. That's life. But I forgive, because anger is temporary and friendship is oh so much more important. It's just, I want to feel like there's some reciprocation.
On one hand you counseled me to move all at once, on the other, you haven't managed to commit to completing your move for a few weeks now.
Your apartment looked fine to me.
Every few weeks work becomes very busy. Almost conveniently every two weeks.
I timed the planting in the best part of my garden bed so you would start gardening and have prime space just in time for radishes to be harvested. But you pushed the start of your learning to garden. From mid-April, to start of May, to end of May. I keep leaving space in my garden bed thinking that you will start planting but you keep pushing it forward. Gardening doesn't work that way, you can't cancel a week before like that.
I want to welcome you to gardening the right way, but you never have time.
I know you're free around noon, and not busy every Sunday. You could probably see the garden. It's just a quick show-around in the open air. Which means it's not a priority? Or is it?
There's committing, and then there's, whatever you like to do. I'm trying to do nice things for a friend but get very little reciprocation.
When I offer to do things together, you decline. But when you offer, I accept.
I booked a hotel, now I have to cancel it.
We planned a whole menu, now you're cancelling it.
How much more does your apartment need?
At some point you have to make the leap and spend Shabbat alone. It's called growing up. I'm happy to support you by staying in a hotel nearby, every Shabbos, and accompanying you to shul and back.
Things never calm down. There's always something happening. If that's how you prefer it, then tell me. Don't make me wait and hope and change my schedule to accommodate you, time after time. Tell me in advance if you think work will get busy. Try to forecast it.
Oh and while we're on the subject, I seriously overcommitted to learning Megillah reading for you on Purim. I spent hours every day for a month to learn the best trop, combination of two or even three sources, and then practiced and practiced till I could read the whole Megillah in one go, change the tune according to ancient customs in all the right places, and read with understanding, and do a good job. And then almost the day before you decided that it wasn't good enough and instead you would prefer to listen to someone read from a kosher Megillah. So we got to sit through a reading in a dimly lit backyard by someone who, with good intent, made a complete mockery of the Megillah reading, and by extension, of Purim. It was easily the worst (and fastest) reading I've ever had the displeasure of hearing, read by someone who doubtless believes that Purim is just a pointless holiday to get through, and skips all the joy and feeling of an amazing book. But we all bobbed our heads and thanked the reader because we're polite. But if that's the version of Judaism you prefer then you can keep it. That's the sort of thing I skip synagogues for. You even dragged your dad out to get him to listen to the Megillah. It felt so performative and I wondered if you even realized that. Oh and you didn't actually ask me to do this in the first place. You "hoped that Jonas or I would volunteer", out of the goodness of our hearts. So what's more important, being a good friend, following through on your commitments, or trying to build in your Jewish observance? You who decry the halachic stringencies of typical Orthodox rabbis and then turn around and use them to your advantage when the opportunity presents itself.
And then you thanked me for coming out and joining you to chat in your backyard, when there were two separate Purim events I could have gone to that were a whole lot more fun, where people even asked me where I was. And I rationalized by thinking we could get closer, that's what friends do. But I don't know how you really see me, or how you expect to keep friends, if that's what you do.
Or how about this, when in response to me asking you to come over for Shabbos dinner, you say you won't because it will require you to drive and you're trying not to, which is perfectly understandable. Except if there are Jewston events, then you might drive. This feels like you're giving an excuse but not even bothering to pretend that you don't want to see me. And yet you wanted me to help you with a menu, accepted my offer to cook, and study with you on Shavuot night, and stay in a hotel nearby? And even move in to the same complex? This isn't wishy-washy, it's called not really caring about a friend.
If your schedule freed up, I can help you de-stress by inviting you over to the museum. But somehow I think this will cause you more stress.
If your schedule freed up since you're not hosting on Shavuot, maybe you want to go visit the community garden? But somehow I think this will cause more stress. Or you'll find a reason not to go.
Did the pandemic really make you that scared to do things on your own?
I thought you were an independent mature woman. Now I see you're a lot more childish than I thought.
That hurts, and you should know that.
It shouldn't have, but you just me caused a lot of mental stress and emotions.
If you were really sorry, you would make an effort to stop being so wishy-washy. I don't see that happening. It's just a constant pattern of behavior with you.
There's a million things I could say, but I won't, because I care about your feelings, your stress levels, and I don't want you to feel more embarassed. But it feels like you don't extend me the same courtesy. It's called being polite, maybe considering how it would feel to be on the opposite end. I'm not just a useful idiot, I have feelings too.
I could say things like - I want to support you in moving out alone. Don't host a ton for Shavuot. I'll be there for you. Have a small meal. Learn with me and Jonas. But instead you cancelled entirely and fled to the safety of home. You're 26. Grow up.
Look, another burst of inspiration to post. In this case something that could never appear on Facebook.
Read Desert, an anonymous anarchist "meme" screed from 2011: https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/anonymous-desert
Was not particularly impressed. Some of the criticisms on Amazon Reviews were definitely relevant.
Another long hiatus. I wrote just six posts in 2020, none about tech. Just goes to show much the pandemic affected me (and of course a large workload that only let up in October and an illness).
Between January and early May of 2020 I experienced an illness that could have killed me. In the days after an intervention and short stay in the critical care unit of a nearby hospital, I experienced a renewed flow of oxygen into my body, as the doctor-prescribed medicine took effect. The sunsets were especially beautiful, and I recall one in particular that stretched like a canyon across the sky. It seemed as if this was the first sunset of the rest of my life, or the first sunset after a long period of gloom. I had been resigned to being always out of breath, and now I had a new chance on my daily walks to experience the wind in the trees, smell the pollen of spring, feel the sun on my skin, and revel in the physical sensations that we take for granted.
In the weeks that followed I continued to find joy and now a mystery in the winds that breathed through the pines and the oaks of my neighborhood. Not with a little self-consciousness, I would stretch my hands outspread, shut my eyes, and walk along humid, pandemic-stilled streets, feeling more alive and connected with the nature around me than ever before, daring myself to walk as long as possible before opening my eyes.
As months have passed and my body has returned to a healthy normal, that sense of intense connectedness has lessened, but it's left a mark on my beliefs. I currently believe primarily in a Shechina (composed of the aforementioned wind) and secondarily in a God of the little things (like lost objects). It can even be said that I believe in the wind, which is kind of pagan really. Since the only pagan experience that's fresh in mind is "The Holiday" scene from Andrey Tarkovsky's film "Andrei Rublev" with the pagans skinny-dipping in the river, it will have to do as a model of this new religion of wind.
1. It will be called Breezism. Adherents are Breezies. (Expect to see schisms with the Gusters, the Blusters, and the Winders. On no accounts are we to be confused with Environmentalists.)
2. Our prayers will take place outside during periods of strong breezes or gusty cold fronts. Short prayers during microbursts and thunderstorms are also acceptable, as long as prayers are offered to the wind. Blessings on lightning and thunder are a separate business.
3. Adherents shall prefer to wear loose flowing clothing.
4. As the wind is not directly a force that provides something valuable, such as health, prosperity, or light or water, I expect that adherents may frequently be sailors, where the wind really is important.
5. I hold the wind to be the most noticeable manifestation of the spirit in which I believe, so prayers can be offered to it. It takes or gives and is, of course, gender-less. Mind-altering substances are not part of the worship, however there is a benefit to psychedelic mushroom experiences. (Care must be taken not to become an Environmentalist though.)
6. Our sign shall be that of a wind turbine, in case you need something to hold onto. The three blades point to the land, sea, and air, from which originates the wind. To criticisms that this closely matches the Mercedes-Benz logo I say, tis' a work in progress.
